The First 30 Days with Depression
To truly understand my story, we need to look at the first 30 days from when I was diagnosed with depression. During that time, I went on short term disability. Something that never crossed my mind in the past and I had no experience with. I was seeing the psychologist weekly. In my sessions, the psychologist led me to believe or at least planted the seed that I didn’t like the job. That I wasn’t happy. OK. Maybe.
To solve my problem, I did what I knew how to do. Build/Re-build walls and put the event behind me. If you don’t think about it, it can’t harm you. Little did I know at that time, the walls never went back up. This was evident when I went back to work a little short of the 30-day mark. Let’s just say, things didn’t work out. I lasted a day and a half. Then I resigned.
The First Year with Depression
I saw the psychologist religiously once a week for a year. Looking back on my sessions, they were superficial. I don’t recall any ah-ha moments. Then again, I was never forthcoming with feelings/emotions. The last thing I wanted to do was discuss my innermost thoughts/fears with a stranger or anyone for that matter. It was embarrassing.
During my sessions we would discuss current events, what I was up to and things of that nature. I don’t recall discussing my feelings at all. Just by going and being removed from stressful situations I thought I was getting better.
On the medication front, I was referred to an APRN who I began working with. It took us about three months before we found something that worked. At least, I thought it worked. My sessions consisted of medication management and counseling occuring once a week.
It was during this first year that I decided volunteering would be a good way to get me back into the game. I hooked up with a presidential campaign. Being with a group of people who shared the same beliefs and working toward a common goal was refreshing. It was during this time that I stopped seeing my therapist. I thought that I didn’t need him anymore. That I was better.
This was short lived, however. The next thing you know, the election is over and I’m back where I started. Afraid to take the next step and re-enter the workforce. Struggling with depression. Trying to bury my feelings. Out of sight. Out of mind.
The Next 10 Years
Throughout this time period, I realized that corporate life was not for me. I started to look into other career options. My goal was simple. Find something that I would enjoy and help others.
After months and months of researching, I realized that I wanted to work for myself. My background was in IT so I’m like, ‘what can I do that will help people and keep me engaged?’ What are my skills?
Web design! WordPress is a wonderful thing. Did I know anything about web design? No, but I could learn. I got ‘WordPress for Dummies’ and off I went. I created a few sites, but that was as far as I got. The realization hit me that I wasn’t in control of my depression symptoms as much as I thought I was. After web design I searched for other opportunities.
Next up, Fitness Trainer. Again, I go all in. Got licensed. Got in shape. Mapped out a plan and recorded videos. Other than getting in great shape myself, I didn’t help anyone get in shape. Why?
Fear. Fear of failure. Fear of depression. Fear that I would wind up back in the emergency room.
Time Marches On
Years passed and time moved on, but I didn’t.
The next thing you know it’s 10 years later and what have I done with my life? Nothing. Wasted years. Talk about depressing.
By this time, I’ve been out of the game for so long that my skills weren’t up to date. I haven’t kept in contact with my friends or business contacts. I knew I had to do something. Ten years is just crazy.
Throughout that time, I tried meditation after taking a Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction course, religion, joined a Sangha, subscribed to support groups and read a bunch of books or at least started to read a bunch of books. I also watched a bunch of videos on personal development and attended conferences.
I knew I needed to change. What I was doing was not working. Back to therapy I went.
I wound up reaching out to the psychologist I saw right after the ‘event’, and he welcomed me back. Now I needed someone to manage my meds. This was during the time of Covid. I reached out to numerous therapists and left messages, but none of them returned my calls. They all must have been booked solid. Good for them but this did nothing to help my depression. I viewed it as rejection. I kept looking, however, and found a PMHNP-BC, Psychiatric Nurse Practitioner, aka ‘med guy,’ that I still see today who handles the medication aspect of my treatment.
Finding the right cocktail of meds turned out to be a challenge, having tried too many to list. Since the meds weren’t working, I started looking at alternative treatments for depression. Those being outside of talk therapy and meds. That brought me to TMS and later ECT. For more information on these 2 treatment methods be sure to click on the corresponding links.
Out With the Old
I was getting nowhere fast with my psychologist. I saw him every week for a year and the sessions were always the same. He’d listen to me talk and read from my journal and occasionally made a comment such as ’sounds good to me’ or ‘depression is anger turned inward.’ Gee thanks. Nearly all my discoveries happened outside of my sessions. Either while journaling or on the ride home from my session. If you don’t feel a therapist is helping you don’t be afraid to look elsewhere. Taking this advice, I fired mine.
In With the New
My wife and I attended a retreat at the Omega Institute where the workshop was entitled ‘The Shadow.’ The presenters practice a therapy approach in their sessions that is based around the ‘Tools.’ The Tools are based on psychiatrist, Phil Stutz’s, work. The overall principle is based on solving a problem in the here and now and not through analyzing your life to find out how events from the past may have impacted you. It’s basically ‘I want to be healed now. Ok. Do xyz.’ There is a video on Netflix entitled, Stutz, that I highly recommend. It is basically an interview with Phil Stutz by Jonah Hill as the interviewer and patient.
This was after my treatments of TMS and ECT. In fact, I don’t remember much of the conference. Thanks ECT. However, prior to the conference, I had found a therapist who offered sessions that were built around the Tools. I met him at the conference and started therapy a few weeks later.
This therapist was more involved than the psychologist. He actually gave me homework and engaged with me. I was still journaling and reviewing my entries during my sessions. We would discuss what I had written and do exercises where he would put me in certain situations and have me view them from another perspective.
Although this was new to me, I found it beneficial. I am still seeing this therapist today.
Discoveries
Over the course of my years of therapy, I made some discoveries. Some were through therapy and others on my own:
- I created walls that held the negative memories I encountered in life. When something happens you just file it away. Move it from your mind and move on.
- Walls are bad. They don’t last.
- I learned that emotions are not a bad thing. It’s not weak to express yourself. To display emotion. Emotions are an outlet. Negative emotions serve as a safety mechanism. They warn you that something isn’t right.
- The genesis of my depression was not being in control. Control is what I knew. When you’re in control you are safe.
- Being in control all the time is not how life works
- The ‘event’ led to my doubting myself. That spark of confidence was basically extinguished on the day of the ‘event.’ Taken from me. My core essence. You cannot hide from depression or sweep it under the rug. It’s always there. It’s how you manage it that makes the difference.
Summary
In short. We have different triggers that bring about depression. The commonality is that we are all suffering and are our single biggest critic.
Our journey with depression is unique and what triggers the depression is different for each person. What may be a devastating event to one person may not affect another at all.
One must not trivialize a person based on the trigger of their depression. Depression is depression. Suffering is suffering.
There is one thing that is shared. The common factor is that we are all suffering until we learn how to manage it. We must not belittle others. Instead, we must support our loved ones through their struggles. Only by working together can we come to terms with depression, acknowledge our triggers and learn other ways of viewing situations. We must implement practices into our lives that will quiet the symptoms of depression.
Personal Note on Depression
After trying a few businesses, I have settled on exploring the many facets of Depression. If I can positively impact one person’s suffering or help one family member recognize what the depressed person needs, I will view my mission as a success.
I still see a therapist and my med guy and hope that you make therapy a part of your life if you are not already receiving help.
DISCLAIMER: The information provided above is for informational purposes ONLY and should NOT be taken as medical advice.
