For readability, the word ‘depressed’ is used in place of ‘depressed person.’
The following are not ranked, and everyone will have different triggers that will spell out how they’ll react to different conversations and topics. The important thing is that both the depressed and their loved ones work together. Just as the depressed is affected by depression, so are their loved ones. It’s important for both to recognize each other’s suffering/pain points and have meaningful conversations.
As with my other posts, these are challenges that I have faced during my years of depression. Are there others? Yes, but we’ll start with the 10 items below.
10 Things Not to Say to a Depressed Person:
SUMMARY
- Just Get Over It
- Stop Procrastinating and Do It
- Don’t Cry
- What are your Plans for Today
- You Need to Deal with it Yourself
- When is Your Next Call with Your Therapist or Did You Quit
- Just Cheer Up…You Need to Snap Out of It
- I Thought You Were Getting Better
- I Know How You Feel
- You Need to Exercise
THE DETAILS
Just Get Over It
Issue
Depression is not something that you can turn off and on. It’s part of you. In many ways It controls you. You cannot simply get over it. It may take days, weeks, months, or years to get to the point of learning how to deal with depression. In extreme cases, to be able to function.
The Depressed Person’s View
The depressed would like nothing more than to ‘get over it.’ If it were only that simple. Hearing those words will likely have a negative impact as the depressed is already struggling. They need support and not to feel their disorder is being trivialized.
Another Way to Phrase It to the Depressed Person
Instead of ‘just get over it’ try showing compassion. The loved one could offer support by asking the depressed ‘What can I do to help?’ This question can be used for all conversations with the depressed. Support is what is needed. It is key.
Stop Procrastinating and Do It
Issue
Procrastination is one of the symptoms of depression. This may prevent the depressed from completing even the simplest of tasks. For example, removing a car battery can be overwhelming. There is just no desire to do it.
Case and point, Charlie has a car that has been sitting in his driveway for months. All he needs to do is take the battery out and charge it. He’s done it many times before. He simply needs to unscrew the bolt holding the battery in place, disconnect the cables and lift the battery out. It will only take a few minutes, however, when you are depressed, even the simplest of tasks can seem overwhelming.
The Depressed Person’s View
To the depressed person, ‘stop procrastinating’ equates to being viewed as lazy. Tasks can seem overwhelming. The more the loved one pushes, the harder it will be for the depressed to complete the tasks. They already feel a heavy weight following them and to be faced with a command will make the task even harder with no desire to take action.
Another Way to Phrase It to the Depressed Person
Creating a list with the depressed of action items may be helpful. Put it in a place where the depressed will see it during the day. They can check off action items once complete thus giving them a sense of accomplishment.
Another option would be to ask the depressed what you can do to help. This will show that you care about what the depressed is going through. Support is of the outmost importance when working with the depressed not commands.
Don’t Cry
Issue
Remember, depression not only affects the depressed. It impacts loved ones as well. They do their best to support the depressed, but they need an outlet at times as they feel the weight of the world is on them. When these feelings are being expressed, they may impact the depressed and in some instances, this may lead to crying.
The Depressed Person’s View
To the depressed it feels like the loved one doesn’t care about them and/or are attacking them. They are vulnerable. It’s as if their loved one is beating on them when they are already down. They may not show tears, but they are there. Always there. Waiting to come out.
Another Way to Phrase It to the Depressed Person
The deppressed would prefer support with the understanding of the challenges the loved one is forced to endure. Instead of coming off as attacking the depressed and dumping on them try a conversation where you are more focused on working together. This is easier said than done and understandably so. Emotions can be tricky.
As for the crying. The depressed is just expressing intense feelings in the moment and needs an outlet. It is not a bad thing or something that should be suppressed. It does not show that they are weak. In fact, it shows strength to express tears in front of others.
What are Your Plans for Today?
Issue
This is a legitimate question. Someone just wants to know the depressed plans. However, when directed at a depressed person, the question may take on a different meaning.
The Depressed Person’s View
When a depressed person is asked ‘what their plans are for today,’ they might turn the question upside down and view it as being accused of being lazy or that they don’t do anything. They may start to weigh their answer to ‘what they have planned for the day’ with what they believe is the questioner’s expectation. This will be done to avoid feelings of being a failure and/or low self worth.
Another Way to Phrase It to the Depressed Person
A more delicate approach would be to ask the depressed how they are doing and if they need help. This will open the door to communication. Now I’m not saying communication is easy. Some people are more guarded than others. By asking the depressed how they are doing and if they need help you are taking the first step.
You need to deal with it yourself. It’s not my problem.
Issue
Nothing is more disheartening than to hear the words ‘you need to deal with it yourself.’ And/or ‘it’s not my problem.’ The depressed reaches out asking for help and is met with resistance or denial. It can be hard to ask for help. To admit that something is wrong.
The Depressed Person’s View
It’s like a slap in the face or a kick when you are down. You need a loved one’s support and not to have the help request thrown back at you.
For example, imagine a person is in the process of drowning and yells for help. A lifeguard is on duty but says ‘you have to do save yourself.’ This leaves you drowning literally and figuratively in a sea of sadness and/or feeling of no worth.
Understandably, the depressed must acknowledge the loved one’s frustration. View it from their side. They have their own challenges and strive to support you. At times it is just too much. Remember, depression affects many people not just the depressed.
Another Way to Phrase It to the Depressed Person
Instead of saying you must ‘do this by yourself. It’s not my problem’ a more productive method would be to hear the depressed out and see what they need help with. The key is to have an open mind. Is the depressed really trying to pawn off parts of their depression on the loved one? Or is the loved ones frustration level just high in the moment?
Support is a crucial aspect of helping those with mental illness. Both sides need to be on the same page. Just because a person asks for help does not mean they are trying to push their problems off on you. Remember, both of you are impacted by depression.
The depressed does not want to be on the island alone. They feel isolated enough already. The act of asking for help is a big step in their recovery.
When is your next call with your therapist or did you quit?
Issue
Two simple and valid questions if you have not seen your therapist in a while. However, for those with depression, it may not be so simple.
The Depressed Person’s View
The depressed may view these questions as the loved one wanting to track and hold them accountable (control them). Making the depressed feel that they’re not doing anything. That they’ve given up.
Another Way to Phrase It to the Depressed Person
Instead of ‘when is your next call with your therapist or did you quit’ how about something along the lines of the following: I haven’t heard about Dr. X in a while? That simple request will open the communication gateway. It does not have an accusatory tone. Therefore, the depressed is less likely to take up a defensive position which would increase their levels of feeling down or that they have given up.
Just cheer up…you need to snap out of it
Issue
Depression is not something you can turn off. ‘Just cheer up’ shows a total misunderstanding of what depression is and how it affects people.
The Depressed Person’s View
Wouldn’t it be nice if it were that simple? To the depressed, this statement may be viewed as the loved one not understanding depression at all. You cannot just cheer up or snap out of it. Sometimes you can fake it, however, deep down inside you are still hurting.
Another Way to Phrase It to the Depressed Person
Instead of just ‘cheer up’ how about being a little more supportive such as ‘is there anything I can do to help?’ The deppressed needs all the support they can get.
The loved one should research depression. This can be initiated by either themselves or the depressed. Sharing articles or websites with loved ones and working as a team is of utmost importance.
I thought you were getting better
Issue
Just because a depressed person does not outwardly express symptoms does not mean that they are gone.
The Depressed Person’s View
To the depressed, they may be disheartened that the loved one believes they are getting better when in fact they are not. They may feel that the loved one is not seeing them as they truly are. The depressed may not be expressing how they are feeling as they don’t want to come off like a broken record. Depressed. Still Depressed, etc…
Another Way to Phrase It to the Depressed Person
Instead of ‘I thought you were getting better,’ try something like ‘how are you feeling or how have you been feeling?’ Questions worded as such will open up conversation and help ensure that everyone is on the same page.
I Know How You Feel
Issue
No one knows how the depressed feels. Everyone’s experience with depression is unique to them. There are different triggers and scenarios that bring about depression and what might not be a big deal to one person may be a very big deal to someone else.
The Depressed Person’s View
The depressed may view this as trying to minimize their suffering by turning the conversation back unto themselves (the loved one).
Another Way to Phrase It to the Depressed Person
‘How are you feeling? What can I do to help?’ These two questions can apply to this and all the other scenarios we’ve discussed. They will spark conversation where the depressed can express their feelings to their loved one.
You Need to Exercise
Issue
The last thing someone wants to do when they’re depressed is exercise.
The Depressed Person’s View
They just don’t get it. How can I exercise when I feel like crap and don’t want to do anything? Only someone who is not depressed would say such a thing.
Another Way to Phrase It to the Depressed Person
By phrasing the question as an option rather than a command, the depressed is much more likely to act on your suggestion(s).
Examples:
‘I’m going to the gym. Would you like to come? I could use a workout buddy.’ Set a time for the gym visit…like 30 minutes or even 15 minutes. This will help the depressed know that it will be a quick trip rather than an hour-long gym visit that may overwhelm them.
For walkers, the following is a great place to start. ‘I’m going for a walk. Let’s get out of the house for a little bit.’ It can be around the block or down the street to a specific location and turning around. The goal is to get the depressed moving regardless of how long the activity will last.
DISCLAIMER: The information provided above is for informational purposes ONLY and should NOT be taken as medical advice.